twisting life

CAN I PLEASE BE UNDERSTOOD FOR JUST, ONCE?

2010-04-05T02:01:00.004+08:00

no one listening to my cries,
no one ever did. except for mom.

I try to ride all through the night, the heat stroke ridden weather, the barren empty sights.

No oasis here to stay, the sand is singing deathless words to me.

I want to be alone. But once I am, I can't stand the solitude.

I want everything to be quiet. But once it is, I can't stand the silence.

I want to live my life. But once I start, I just feel like dying.

I want to be happy. But once I am, It always turned out sad.

I want to laugh. But when I do, I feel like crying.

I want to be loved. But once I am, I feel nothing but hate.

I want to forget the past. But once I do, I feel ashamed.

I want to be strong. But once I am, I always become weak.

I don't know what's wrong. I don't know why I feel this way.

I don't even know what to say.

Sometimes I don't know why we'd rather live than die,

We look up towards the sky, for answers to our lives.

We may get some solutions, but most just pass us by,

Don't want your absolution, cause I can't make it right.

I'll make a beast out of myself, gets rid of all the pain of being a man.

I found you, something told me to stay.

I gave in, to selfish ways.-

Mummy.. didn't mean to make you cry.

If i'm not back again this time tomorrow, carry on, carry on.

As if nothing really matters.

My time has come. Send shivers down my spine, body's aching all the time.
I've got to go. Gotta leave you all behind to face the truth.

Mummy.. i don't wanna die.
Sometimes i wish i'd never been born at all.

2010-03-14T10:50:00.002+08:00

i'm like a monkey with no banana, a zebra with no stripes, a woodpecker with no wood to peck.

Clueless, yet to find a path I'm leading, suicide is the next resort. Patience is what have been leaking from my heart after leaving for seventeen years. For god sake look into my eyes can't you see the word tired? I would rather follow you home last night baby. My brain is exhausted, My body is aching. My heart is dead.

2010-03-06T08:20:00.000+08:00

Sending grandma to doctor, then work.

2010-02-11T09:52:00.002+08:00

I know my heart can't be wrong about you. I don't know how I could ever find a better girl.

There's no one who could ever take care of me better than you do.

I have so many thoughts in my head, it's like everything and everyone is messed up and in the end I don't know what I'm thinking anymore. I just want to go somewhere tonight with someone and just sit down and shut up.

I want to watch Valentine's Day so much, but the bf reaction is only, uhmm ok. No thanks to"I don't like slow and love story "

Dragging my feet on the weekends before work and watch the movie, alone as per usual. So many things in mind, so many things to do. So little time. I've never regret in my life, I wonder why, did the sinful-est things ever, no not killing human, but indirectly did.

Side track a little, Nad left the clan, now Yas too. So 2.1 without Yas. Tsk. Ahh, tell me about it. I don't understand people. People don't understand me, neither could I understand myself. Haha. You know I wouldn't like it, but you deliberately deceive it. Life's a bitch anyway.

officially bored

2010-02-10T23:40:00.002+08:00

The 10 Rules:

1. Don't ask her to be feminine

2. Don't let her drink over three glasses

3. Drink coffee instead of Coke/Juice

4. If she hits you, act like it hurts. If it hurts, act like it doesn't

5. On your 100th day together, give her a rose during her class

6. She'll never let you send her home and picks her up. It'll be otherwise

7. Be prepared to get insult day and night for misinterpreting her for your poor in language and understanding

8. If she says she'll kill you, don't take it lightly

9. If her feet hurt, exchange shoes with her

10. She likes to write. Encourage her

and more to come....

2010-02-10T23:02:00.002+08:00

Stay with me.

Tonight I will sit under the stars and make everything disappear in my mind. Tomorrow will be a new day. Everything is changing and soon I will too... life will get better... it always does...

I want to walk on the beach with you,

sit on the sand and

talk about the little people moving it around,

spend the night with you in the hut.

2010-02-02T09:32:00.002+08:00

You're the only one who can knock some sense into me. Thanks for always treating me the best. I love you.

Eighteen soon and not that young, I want to change into something the mirror did not recognize.

2010-01-30T11:21:00.000+08:00

I can feel you rushing through my veins. There's a notion in my heart, I will never be the same.

It makes me real weak each time she does that. Help me pull through and contain myself dear god. I don't want this. I don't.

2010-01-28T23:34:00.000+08:00

There are words I regret. And I'm sorry, somehow I only wanted to make you proud. Please forgive me if I didn't say I love you every single day. I can't find the words to explain to you how perfect you are in my eyes and tell you how much my heart will always love you without a doubt.

I want you to know that I appreciate you for being just who you are. You're so beautiful to me inside and out.

This ain't lust, I know this is love.

2010-01-19T21:40:00.004+08:00

I was with R watching New York, I Love You when one of the scene reminisce me of J. I grabbed R's hand, oh my now i feel damn guilty.

To my surprise, baby realized my action and questioned me.

I'm living with sins, dear god help me to pull through this. Metamorphosis, i want to change into something the mirror do not recognize.

New Year Resolutions, same old ones. To be the best person I can be.

2009-12-17T11:57:00.003+08:00

I simply miss everything.

2009-11-29T19:25:00.001+08:00

So I haven't been blogging. My Boyfriend has been a real sweetheart recently (:

2009-08-10T19:24:00.001+08:00

"Give her a sleep pill and bail out ! :D"

Julan sometimes i really think you're the cute-st thing on earth.

2009-08-10T11:38:00.000+08:00

Did something beyond my limit.

Crushed trust. Love hurts, end this my dear girl or never.

2009-07-27T03:52:00.000+08:00

I know... I'm such an inconsistent blogger. But anyway, I was talking to my parents just now and how I thank God they're not over-controlling although they maybe not be very supportive of everything I wish to do. But there could be worse!

Sunday

In the morning, I woke up to the most adorable creature alive.

Did some chores, plus clean up the toilet, feel so afreshed and not wanting him to enter lorh. Sometime he wonder why am i not this helpful at my own home. Nyway handphone finally decided to died on me, therefore world, i'm contact-less.

Reasons for not buying a new phone well at least using dad's extra phone. Some pathetic people trying so hard to get through me, even though i've died on them. No obviously not the gfs. I have tendency to switch off my phone always or changing different sims, therefore when i on there will be tons of messages minus the callalert and there will be one or two that slip off my eyes. My apology for that.

Anyway had the most two thumbs-up chicken rice ever with runo, he's my boyfriend btw. We fell asleep, nap thats what he claimed, before we bid goodbye to his mainland and back to my mainland. Did i mentioned too that i have been putting on a lot of weight after since quarantine period was over. Time to get my jogging shoes and to the park i'm off.

My camera was left at runo's car, damn today is hanif's birthday, well lets rely on hanif's phone for pictures.

I'm currently undergoing my clinical practice which i have yet to complete alot of things and i am definetely behind time. Not forgetting 8 days of make-up. Where to find such a goody student i tell you! I'm so getting vitamin pills for my immunity but it will defeat the purpose of me wanting to lose weight because vitamins usually open up my piggy appetite. Oh god!

Anyway, boyf getting so caught up with his working schedule and his ting-tong resort? To cut of my name is the PT schedule, so mean of him la. I forgot the last time i went to shop, went to bugis and lepak-ing with friends, apart from the last unofficial day in college.

BTW! I miss my oh so bitch, no i'm serious i do have a real bitch-ing partner, forgive me god i only have one. Damn me for being so careless and not saving her number. Cherlynn do sms me soon.

And for my both NS did you knw how much i miss you girls. I know i've died on you nad, but can't help it when my immunity low, and so caught up with hospitals and not forgetting case study(!!!) i intend to neglect my phone not only to you girls ok, with my boyf also. That explains one of the reason my boyf have to catch me first if his off is on the weekends.

I want to chop off my hair so badly but no one is agreeing except for mom. Tsk!

Well my twisted post lets end it here before it twist more. any hoo, I envy boyf's sister's blog, her english is so bloody good.

Aha, Julan called, told you some people search the world, even i've died on them!

Confusion

2009-07-11T19:02:00.003+08:00

I've came to a realisation state that i can never practice monogamy. There is always someone in the way. I didn't realise its coming but that is the fact. The other time was her than now him. I do not know how to refuse pretty people. But i know the true one will only be ONE. At times i think my spouse attitude brought me to a counfusion state whether to stay truthful or not. At times i think i've been living in denial that love doesn't exist. Did i mention too that life have been not as great. I keep getting sick and staying at home will be the last result.

Julan called, he asked if everything was fine and i said no. I'm not well, he asked if the medication was alright. And asked to give him a call once i'm fine. I'm attached, to a non-muslim with a great heart. While muslims who i don't really know the heart is coming after. I don't want another tragedy to happen. I don't want to leave anyone in this suituation. I'm seventeen but time flies fast nowadays. Dear god, i was all along praying asking the best from you.

Is this the best? And leave the rest? Dear god, i'm still praying, asking the best from you.

Dear love, my dreams have always been flying high when i'm with you. You are always there for me. But we always ended up quarelling during the "religion" discussion. How am i supposed to convince you? How am i suppose to go through this again and again?

Ya allah, i need an answer from you.

right round

2009-07-07T10:31:00.002+08:00

I did mentioned that life been treating me good. OMG. I am H1N1 positive. Slapping my head hard. For god sake i just start my attachment. Ya Allah....

Life been treating me good

2009-07-03T09:25:00.010+08:00

Hi

I'm very bored right now. My love is sleeping and i'm wasting time. Should have start revising for clinical practice. Three months in hospital oh god,please i want to survive. Snapped to the reality yesterday, this was what he said

"If i get married to you one day you'll be a very good housewife not only to me but to my parents."

Tell me about it. Every relationship will come to a point that my another half at that moment will realize that I'm the right one. Oh please tell me about it.

Last day meeting, thats what nadh say, haha

thanks for the treat pretty woman.

Short getaway before cp start and a week without meeting love

He was being a sweetie to move and whisper in my ear "i love you," instead of looking at the camera! Sayang sayang.

Next thing i need to do is to loose weight. My top list priority babe.

Think

2009-06-27T13:06:00.002+08:00

No one will be your everything until he sacrifice and be your legally wed husband.
No one will be there for you unless they are your love ones and your family.

Mom, you're the best.

Sister

2009-06-10T18:36:00.001+08:00

But i'm in love with your brother.
For sure.

I know there will be no ending to this.

to there

2009-06-09T02:02:00.002+08:00

I'm gonna head to a place where i can please solve all this.
I can't bare this anymore.
Is really hurting.

For now,

2009-06-07T17:22:00.004+08:00

My head is running wild. Daddy is adding more to it.
Honey look, its me, I'm the one who going through it.
Please give me your blessings. Please, dad.

RUNOVAN
Call me soon please sayang. Please. I'm dead worried.

Did i mentioned i hate begging(at guys). Again, i need a cigarette!

With nothing, but your t-shirt on

2009-06-06T23:44:00.004+08:00

And i'm still waiting

Dear Love,
I haven't been listening to your charming voice for nuts.
Staying at home is the only thing i've been doing.
No partying. No drinking, but heh a little cigarettes.

I need to get back to work pretty soon. Dear god, i want to get well soon. Please.

New chapter begins

2009-06-05T19:50:00.003+08:00

The moment you found this blog you are connected to me in one way or another.
So lets see, i've created this out of boredom?

Today, 2 things I realised I wanted to do:
2)Save money
1)Get the fats away!

As time goes by, you'll probably see more and more of things I want to do.
Today is a mundane day. No company, no location, no goals. Just home sweet home.

the bunch gonna miss for 3 months.

Miss you. Need you. Love you.
I'm waiting, why aren't you calling?